Fantasy

CAN YOU FEEL MY PAIN

2005-12-27T16:15:00.000-08:00

CAN ANYONE FEEL MY PAIN?

Okay I am venting again and this time I want help cause this current situation ain’t working for me. I divorced my husband over seven years ago. It was a very nasty and bitter divorce and I thought I would never get the SOB out of my house. The process took so long, I thank God on a daily basis for giving me the strength -- to not kill him while he slept. Yes it was that bad.

He did everything to make my life miserable, i.e., he lived and breathed. I would fantasize about the different ways to kill him, each way was more painful than the previous fantasy. I know I sound like a heartless bitch but if you were forced to live in a house that you paid for with a man you despised, you would understand my pain.

I was forced to allow him to stay in my house (rent free) for over a year while waiting for the divorce to come through. He slept on my brand new sofa, while I took the bedroom. If I said no Christmas tree, he would go buy one, plug up a gabillion lights and leave it on all day, crank up the heat to about 100 degrees and leave the water running since all the bills were in my name. It got so bad, I had to take long distance off my phone cause he was calling overseas and crap. Oh, I almost forgot about having to cancel cable because of the pay-per-view charges.

Get the picture, I hate this man. Ok, in the beginning he knew enough not to try to hang out at my house or my parents home (cause they divorced him too). I allowed him to see the children but I insisted that he take them to his house for his visits and I would blow a gasket when the kids would slip up and say that he had been in the house while I was a work.

AND THEN… he had a major heart attack. Since he had no family here in ATL, I had to put aside my bitterness and be there for him and the children. When he was released from the hospital, he stayed with my parents while he recovered. They waited on him hand and foot, took him back and forth to the doctors, paid for all those expensive medicines, and treated him like a son instead of a sperm donor.

Do you know that Rat Bastard never said thank you to any of us! Never once did he offer to pay my parents back or anything. In fact, three months went by before they ever heard from him and that was because he wanted something. Nine times out of ten if he had offered my parents any money they would have refused but hell he didn’t even fake the funk!

Okay enough of that. Can someone please tell me why it is now acceptable for him to show up at every FREAKING HOLIDAY! Why must I be punished in this manner? I try not to make a fuss cause of my grown children but damn – enough is enough!

I understood it when he was sick but the government feels that he is well enough to fight in Iraq so I feel he’s well enough to cook HIS OWN DAMN DINNER or go free load somewhere else!

Is that too much to ask? Is there a support group for this? Pissed off in ATL.

I HAD TO SHARE THIS

2005-08-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

I had to share this story. I work for my local government as a senior buyer of parts for our fleet of vehicles. This guy who has worked in the parts department for over five years had a serious brain fart! This valve comes in and he signed for it. Instead of checking it in properly he leaves it on the counter despite the sticker on the box that says “please inspect before accepting”. The next day, his supervisor sees the package and went around asking where it came from. He finds out who the package belongs to and gives it to him but wants to teach the parts guy a lesson. So….he goes outside and finds a brick and places it in the box and tapes it back up.

When the parts guy showed up, his supervisor asked him about it. He hedged and hogged about it and finally found the part. He shakes the part out of the box and somehow it got broken. So two bricks end up on the counter. He kept looking at the parts (a brick) and the packing slip and finally asked a co-worker if she had ever seen a value like that!

Overwhelmed he took it to his supervisor and said “I don’t know what happened but it’s broke!”

See people like that should not be allowed to reproduce.

Cussing Like A Sailor

2005-08-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

I need now reason to cuss! I enjoy it! It's liberating to me to say a good Damnit! But I try to keep it under control in my professional life. But get me alone and I am a cussing fool!

Do cussing do it for you?

Driving While Blind

2005-07-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

Last week, I had to take out my contacts without a backup plan. I thought I would be able to pop out my old extended wear contacts and put in some new ones but my eyes were irritated.

Not wanting to cause further damage to my eyes, I decided to drive to work without them. My vision is so poor, that even with glasses, I can’t see who is in the car next to me. However, I was desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures right?

I am a creature of habit. I go the same route everyday so I didn’t have to worry about reading street signs right? What was my dumb azz thinking? I did all right on the side streets but when I got on the expressway Oh My God! I had to chase the bumper in front of me but God forbid if they ran into something in the distance and put on brakes cause I was going to knock them the hell into whatever it was and more than likely collide with it as well!

I made it to work and immediately started crying when I realized I was no longer moving against my will! I thought I had faced my biggest challenge driving while blind in the dark but I was wrong.

Coming home proved to be just as bad! Although I kept to the surface streets, the skies opened up and it rained on me all the way home! So I made a decision to stay home until I got new glasses.

This is my first serious post since I started my blog. While I love to laugh and joke, my eyesight is not a funny subject to me. What I hate is being told that my eyesight is bad because I am over 40! That’s no excuse, it’s a co-op but I can’t seem to get them to fix it.

I LOOK LIKE A CHI-A-PET

2005-07-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

I LOOK LIKE A CHI-A-PET WEARING A HAT!

I’ve been holding off getting my hair permed because I had in contacts and the hairdryer dries them out. I spent the better part of two weeks trying to get the lens out and finally asked the assistance of a co-worker when my eyes got infected.

Anyway, I had to stay home for two days from work because I could not see to drive so needless to say; I wore my hair in a ponytail until I could get to the beauty shop. I went to a concert on Friday in Charlotte South Carolina feeling pretty bad cause those folks took dressing for a concert to a whole other level. (Prom gowns!)

Anywho, I got this bright idea to get a sew in weave despite the fact that I have shoulder length hair. So I was on a mission yesterday to find an African Braiding place that would do me on Sunday. Much to my surprise, they offered to take me the same day. I rushed my happy ass over there and $150 later, I look like a chi-a-pet! I got this big old seam running across the front of my head and a whole bunch of hair that just isn’t acting right!

I told the lady I was not happy and she told me to stick a bobby pin in it. A pack of bobby pins later, I am pissed cause I still look a hot mess! I was going to get a head shot down for my next book but now, I think not! I called them back prepared to go over there and place a bomb in the shop but they were very nice and said they will fix it tomorrow! I JUST GOT TO GET THROUGH WORK TOMORROW!

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME! I look like I have either a bowl on my head or earmuffs! I can’t decide which!

CONCERT GOER'S

2005-07-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

So my rant is this, why is it that some concert goer’s feel it absolutely necessary to stand up and dance for the entire concert? I mean I like to have fun too but come on, be considerate of everyone else. Shit your ass down! I can understand if the band says, “I want everyone on their feet,” then you can stand, but the rest of the time, have some consideration for other folks sitting behind you!

On this night, there was this short skinny man, dressed in black pants and shirt and a rainbow colored blazer, sporting of all things, a JERRI-CURL and dark sunglasses (indoors). Oh, did I mention he wore a JERRI-CURL? Anyway, he was setting in front of my husband. He had what I called a tambourine on a stick that I actually thought was cute for a hot second.

When the concert started that skinny activator-slinging midget jumped up, started dancing and shaking his tambourine. He amused me for about ½ a second and then I contemplated killing him. He danced his way right in front of me and I swear to God, it took every ounce of my being to keep from reaching out and touching him!

The midget held the tambourine in his right hand and his sunglasses in his left for five fucking hours. I envisioned snatching it out of his hand and shoving it so far up his azz that surgery wouldn’t be able to remove it. I was so hot cause he kept turning around towards me and oh lawd, if looks could kill he would has dissolved in activation liquid. He ruined the entire night for me cause all I could think of was the many different ways I could hurt his narrow azz. Then he kept pulling out his cell phone as if someone would be calling that troll!

Whew, so what is it with these types of people who stand at concerts and dance and sing? I could see if they were worthy to the occasion but come on. To me, it’s rude to do that without a care whether or not someone can see behind you. I mean why buy a seat if you don’t use it? I wanted to shake his narrow ass and body slam him into the chair!

HAS GOD DECIDED TO WASH US AWAY

2005-07-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

It's been raining for over a week. Normally I attribute this type of rain to the launch of a space shuttle but it was postponed because of the weather. So my question is, is God intending to launch Noah's Ark again?

I was talking to my son tonight and he mentioned it (ergo sparking this blog) that he was getting on that boat! Hell I want to be on the boat too!

I can also remember earlier in the week when this idiot that I work with laughed at the man who died cause a tree fell on his house during a storm.

God if you are washing out the world, can you at least tell me where the boat will be docked so I can start heading that way!

I hate Checks!

2005-07-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

Against my cardinal rule, I accepted a check for the purchase of my book (13.00). I didn't know this man, he was a local promoter but I was like, okay I know where to find him. So I deposited his damn check and it bounced! I reviewed the check and it did not have a phone number on it but I had my good friend research his butt and she came up with a number. So I called him and he was like...I'm so sorry..there is pleanty of money in the account now...so I redeposited it. WHY DID THE DAMN CHECK BOUNCE AGAIN!!! Hell a transaction that should have beeen $13 to my credit is costing me $33! I'm going to stalk him until he pays me in CASH!

How the hell do you bounce a check for $13 TWICE. Needless to say I am pissed!

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH PEOPLE LIKE THIS?

2005-07-06T15:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever in your life met a person that professes to be the biggest Christian going straight to Heaven in a Rolls Royce, only to find out that they are the worse cum sucking heathen hoes this side of the equator?

How do you handle a hypocrite like that? Do you call them out to be the liars that they are or do you pretend to believe that bullshtz they profess?

How do you react when you find out that someone you respected is motiviated by greed and uses every opportunity to pimp the world for their personal edification?

How do you respond to this person that claims they only want to help you but that help comes with a price?

Do you roll over and play dead? Do you allow your self to get screwed without vasoline?

Please tell me cause I really want to know.

I FOUND MY AZZ

2005-07-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

Recently, I lost some weight. Yeah for me! I was feeling so good until my daughter who wears a size two told my mother that I had lost my azz! Mind you, my azz has always been my curse/blessing.

When I was growing up, I called it a curse cause all the kids teased me. They called me Bertha Butt, one of the Butt Sisters! I felt like all the songs of that era were directed at me and, as a result, I seldom danced at parties.

When I grew up, one man told me I needed a separate license for my azz cause I was towing a caboose! If I were skinny and people were saying that about my azz I think I would have been pleased but being fat, it just added to my shame.

But now that I can wear a belt without it puckering I’m feeling good. Hell, I can wear halter tops, (cause my bar size is smaller) but that azz worried me. In jeans it was okay but my daughter was right my azz was gone! I was left with only a dimple.

Low and behold I found it last night! My azz didn’t leave me, gravity sucked it down into my thighs! I inadvertently found it while sucking in my stomach last night in front of the mirror!

Oh the shame of it all. It was right there with my boobs that were trying to kiss my navel. Life is so unfair!

Oh Lawd – Not Walmart

2005-07-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

“Hey Shelley…you sleep?”

“Yeah, I didn’t go to bed until late last night. I was up reading.”

“Oh yeah? What ya reading?” I asked even though I knew I didn’t have time for small talk. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to know what Shelley was reading cause that’s my ace-boon-coon friend and I respect her opinion but I needed to tell her something before my cover was blown. Before she could answer me I interrupted her.

“Guess where I am?” I whispered because my hubby had just finished parking the car. I had jumped out to have a quick smoke and of course to call Shelley.

“Your at the casinos aren’t you?”

“Yeah but we left to get something to eat. They wanted to charge us $32 for breakfast and we were not feeling that.”

“$32? What were they serving? Dick?” she said laughing.

“If they were, they must have mixed it up in the eggs cause I didn’t see jack worth $32 up in that camp. Truly management must have thought everyone was drunk from the night before if they thought we was paying that!” I replied laughing.

“So, where are you?” Shelley asked still laughing.

“Uh..hold on Shelley… I’ll be in there in a second…okay… Shelley, I’m back. I’m at Walmart!” I replied as my husband entered the store.

“Oh Lawd, say it ain’t so!” Shelley replied instantly knowing my pain. But that didn’t stop Shelley from laughing!

“And it’s a Super Walmart!” I wailed. Resting my head against the nasty concrete wall, I contemplated striking my head repeatedly against it but I decided against it.

“I’m sorry boo! Where is he?”

“In there wandering the aisles. Who the hell knows which one. I was going to wait outside but it’s about 110 degrees out here. I just called to ask you to pray for me. I don’t want this to ruin the rest of my vacation. Lawd knows I would hate to get left in the parking lot down in Philadelphia Mississippi because I hit my wonderful husband in the head with a frying pan for stopping in Walmart!”

“Girl you are too funny. You have got to blog this!”

“I will girl as soon as I get home. Talk to ya tomorrow.”

“Be safe and…HAPPY SHOPPING!”

I hung up the phone and went to look for my husband.

(Disclaimer: Shelley didn’t say all of this but she probably thought it! And for the record, we got out of the store in less than 15 minutes! I think my husband read my first blog)

Disclaimer's Disclaimer - Walmart is a nice store and lots of people love it. It's just not my cup of tea. Whew wouldn't want to get sued over a blog!

Additional Note: I love my husband to death and would never hit him even in play. If he wanted to move in Walmart, I would suck it up and be right there. So please don’t misunderstand my joking. I do hate Walmart with a purple passion but I love my hubby!

Make Me Understand

2005-07-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am about to show my ignorance but I really need some help here. Can someone please explain to me why it is necessary to get butt azz naked to have a massage? Yeah, I can understand it if you are getting one from your significant other but with a total stranger? Oh hell naw!

I recently attended a pamper party and one of the activities was a full body massage. I admit that I never had one because I ain’t undressing in front of a strange man unless he has the initials OBGYN behind his name. But that’s just me.

The attendees were instructed to bring their bathrobes. I didn’t get the email so my clothes remained on! Plus like I said the idea of walking around naked as the day I was born in front of a bunch of woman has no appeal to me.

Anywho, this woman who was at least seven months pregnant attended and understandably her robe would not fully close. But, she didn’t wake up that morning and say, “Oh My God, my robe won’t close!” She knew! Therefore wearing it can only be labeled as premeditated twat flashing! Ugh!

Common courtesy should have told her to keep her drawers on cause everyone don’t think that shit is cute! This woman flashed me THE ENTIRE DAY! I have to tell you folks I was traumatized and could not write until today! She got naked at 9:00 that morning was still half clutching that robe that didn’t fit at 6:00 that night! Did I say Ugh before? Oh, I did. Well, then let’s just say that crap is straight up nasty!

Okay now here is where I need your help? What goes on behind that closed door? Do you get naked when you get a massage? And please don’t tell me you put a sheet over your butt! Is there something else going on? Please enlighten this ignorant woman.

WHEN IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO SLAP THE FACE OFF OF A CO-WORKER?

2005-06-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

OJH (On Job Homicide) or WRB (Work Related Beating) should be legal. Ok, I said it and ya'll ain't gonna tell me that you haven't thought it before. I know that each of you can name at least one person on your job that you want to hurt, mace or roll over with a cement truck.

Still want to act surprised? Why is this so shocking? You spend at least 40 hours a week with some people that you can't stand! Hell, that's almost as much time as you spend with your spouse and you have a choice about that. (I will address spousal killings in another post!)

Now think about it, when was the last time you wanted to just slap the face off one of your co-workers? What stopped you? Answer: Going to jail! You didn't restrain yourself because you felt sorry for the idiot thorn in your side. NO, you were afraid of the small rooms, meager meals and your potential roommates.

While I am not normally a violent person, I feel that certain acts of violence should not only be allowed, you should be rewarded for decking that SOB that is causing you grief. Hell, you might be doing the entire office a favor by taking them out.

I got a late start tonight but tomorrow, I want to expand on who should get drop kicked off the top of the building. For now, put your thinking caps on and tell me some of the people that should be on the list and why.

Happy planning...until tomorrow.

TO BE CONTINUED....

I Can Laugh At Myself

2005-06-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

I snuck out of work today cause I just had to have a smoke. It was 10:00 in the morning, way too early for lunch but I made my get away to my car. I used the guise of needing a file that I had taken home as my excuse. But when I got to the car, no files were present. I had forgotten that my husband cleaned out my car. Damn, busted.

Then I remembered the trunk. I opened the trunk setting my keys inside as I puffed happily on my cigarette. I smoked so fast I damn near choked. Grabbing a plan vanilla envelope with my flyers for my book I was prepared to pretend it was work related. I slammed down the trunk before I realized just what I did. But In my haste, I shut the trunk on my sweater. I was trapped and guess where the damn keys were? You got it, in the damn trunk! Lucky for me, all the big wigs parked in another parking lot. I just had to wait until I saw someone else sneaking out to get them to pop the trunk.

Shush…now here comes the embarrassing part. The car door was open and I could have popped the trunk easily if I had just slipped my arms out of the sleeve. I ain’t about to tell you how long I hung around that trunk before I figured that shit out! LOL but I got to finish another cigarette.

2005-06-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

Scum On The Bottom Of Your Shoe!

With the advent of all these clean air laws, smokers are being treated like the scum scraped off the bottom of a shoe. Not only are we not allowed to smoke indoors; we are catching hell outdoors as well. In fact, I got a ticket for smoking outdoors sitting next to five ashtrays! WTF.

Now come on folks enough is enough. And to add insult to injury, the airlines are not allowing you to even carry a lighter on the plane. We pay a high enough price to smoke without this additional penalty! It’s bad enough that we have to get to the airport two hours ahead of time, suffering from nicotine withdrawal, add to that equation the flight time, you have the makings of a bomb. When a smoker gets off the plane my advice to you is get the hell out the way. We are headed to the great outdoors to puff till we drop!

That’s another reason why that flight from NY last week damn near killed me. My flight was delayed over three hours and I’m going to be honest, I was one ornery sista when we landed. I was at zero tolerance and dared anyone to block my path. Even though I needed to go to the bathroom, my need to take it in outweighed my need to let some out if you know what I mean. That mistake almost became one of life’s most embarrassing moments! Whew.

In the car, I was able to light up without fear of nasty looks. I got my cheapo lighter from my bag and fired up my cigarette; the flame was so high I snapped my head back causing my hair to fall in my eyes.

“Ahh! Now that’s what I’m talking about,” I exclaimed until I smelled the awful stench of burnt hair. Yep that’s right my damn bangs were on fire. Patting my head rapidly I began to pray. “Lawd don’t let me burn up in this car not after all I’ve been through!” Can you see those headlines?

You'll Know If You Belong! Part 2

2005-06-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

You Will Know If You Belong – Part 2

As I mentioned, I stayed in a hotel not far from the convention center. What it lacked in charm it made up for in services. Housekeeping was a trip. They didn’t believe in waking you to clean your room. In fact, this is the very first hotel I have stayed in that didn’t have “do not disturb” signs. But never fear, housekeeping never showed up until after 4:00 except on check out day when they knocked on the damn door every ten minutes. This wouldn’t have been so bad if my friends and I hadn’t stayed up the entire night talking and laughing. That, I must admit was fun. Whew! What went on in the room, stayed in the room!

On Saturday, I went outside for what I forget. I was coming back into the hotel and slipped down the steps. My ass hasn’t seen that hard of a floor in a long time and I was more stunned than hurt. I laid there for a moment hoping at first no one witnessed it but I looked right in the face of the bellhop. That rat bastard wanted to smile; I could feel it and I waited for him to at least help me up. Lucky for me I didn’t hold my breath. Kimmi, a vision of loveliness rushed to my aide. She didn’t even laugh that hard, as I would have if situations had been reversed. This kind lady kept my secret until I admitted it to the RAW world.

Humbled, I returned to my room to finish preparing for my day. When I arrived back downstairs, bright yellow signs were posted “caution wet floor!” I spotted that oh so helpful doorman and said “thanks for helping me when I fell earlier.” That miserable piece of crap denied even seeing me fall. Hell, I should have lain out on that floor until 911 came. What was I thinking? I could have gotten my entire trip paid for but I had to get back to BEA and pick up more books. When I returned to the room he apologized and told me he watched the tape but didn’t see me fall. But do you think he asked me how was I feeling? Hell to the NO!

Eating in NY – was a rare treat. After a long azz walk from the BUS, which we were forced to take, my slipper clod feet was taking me to a place that promised food and drink. Unfortunately we were turned away, they were closing. (Could it have been the slippers?) I was shamed into changing into my sneakers cause I was not putting on another pair of heels! Like the three stooges we set off (on foot again) to find a place that was open in the city that never sleeps. Finally we found a place that was open and chose seating on the patio. My feet were grateful.

I am a no fuss eater. I like to be able to identify each and every item on my plate without having to stick it in my mouth first! I have this bad habit of spitting out nasty stuff so I was on my best behavior when I smeared horseradish all over my overcooked $11 hamburger. (Cheese was extra!) Now I’m not that cheap that I wouldn’t have sprung for the cheese, I just wanted my cheese to be American and it wasn’t on the menu!

Be mind you (joke to Missy) it was 11:30 at night and the first meal that we had all day and now it was ruined! I was trying to hold back my disappointment and not show my natural black behind and to be honest; I thought I did a good job until I swallowed that bite of burger. It got lodged in my throat because it was so dry, but I was convinced food (or at least good food) was not in the cards for me this day. I picked up this little dish of mustard that I had waited so patiently for and slapped it on the table in front of Allison. “Taste that,” I said shaking my head and patting my foot. My friend and road dog Allison said no with tear drops glistening in her eyes. Stunned, I turned to Jacki with a question on my lips. What did I do? Jacki was also fighting back tears as she picked up the container and mimicked me. I threw my napkin to the table.

Jacki tasted it, confirming my suspicions that the waiter was extracting revenge on me for my constant complaining about no silver wear (twice), my burger bleeding and attempting to walk off the bun and requesting ranch dressing on my wilted lettuce. Little did I know the rug rat was cringing in the corner watching my face. “It’s mustard,” he said trying to hide the smirk on his face. Mustard my azz! My dinner companions lost it and I admitted defeat to the big Apple. He said, “what can I do to make this a better experience for you?” I replied, “Take it away.” What I meant was take it away off my damn bill! But there was an obvious failure to communicate. Instead he bought me some dessert to cheer up this SOUR GEORGIA PEACH. (His words) Then the buzzard kept my change!
Did I mention that another restaurant put a cucumber in my water? What the hell was that about?

You'll Know If You Belong!

2005-06-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

You ever heard the saying “You will know if you belong?” Well New York make it crystal clear that this Baltimore native with Peachy roots does NOT belong.

From the moment I stepped off the plane at Newark, unknown forces were screaming at me GET OUT! While I will admit this trip was slightly better than my first trip to the Big Apple, I still longed for the congested streets of ATL over the bright lights of the City.

Now before you native New Yorker’s start cussing me out please let me say my piece. I know NY has a marvelous transportation system and if you feel like walking fifteen thousand blocks to take advantage of it, then you are in the right place. Now if I wasn’t loaded down with heavy bags and aching feet, I might not have complained but that was not the case. I was over loaded with luggage so I opted for the Super Shuttle. That in of itself wasn’t a bad experience until he pulled in front of my hotel.

My first reaction was surely you jest. But he was quite serious as he hauled my luggage to the ground. He had shut the door cutting off all avenues of escape while plucking the $20 out of my tightly clinched fingers. He did murmur have a good day, or at least that’s what I think he said as he hopped in the van leaving me speechless. I felt like boo-boo the fool.

Silently fuming, I waited for the doorman to come get my bags. Ha, ha ha! That joke was on me as well as I struggled to get my bags out the middle of the street and down the stairs. It wasn’t until I reached the desk that I discovered the elevator. Oops my bad.

After depositing my luggage into my room I went to check out the neighborhood. Imagine my surprise when I smelled the foulest odor known to man a short twenty paces from my hotel. Truly there must be some mistake. They wouldn’t put a hotel right next to the circus would they? But remember I was warned. As a light rain started to fall it added a special funk to the horses that lived in the livery stable. I think the hotel should have mentioned that on their website!

But my biggest disappointment was our inability to catch a cab! Frantic waving, dress tugging and legs flailing did nothing to stop those yellow suckers. And I could never figure out which one of those renegade cars was blowing their horn so I could hail it. So, we had no choice but to walk further into the direction we needed to go searching for a deserted corner. I learned a new appreciation for my automobile and I promise to wash it when it stops raining.

Did I mention the restaurant that I tried to enter with my slippers on? That is where I felt the most unwelcomed. It was a trendy place in Manhattan. They struggled to get my order right but alias that didn’t happen. While I didn’t voice my ire with the poor service until they bought me horseradish instead of mustard. And, to add insult to injury, the waiter kept my change assuming that I was leaving a tip for setting my mouth on fire!

But my girlfriend summed it up for me; NY is not my kind of town and nothing it did would make it right. Including the two-hour shuttle ride back to the airport and the three-hour delay getting on the plane. Georgia clay never looked so good to me! And Lord, if I ever mention going to NY again, please shoot me cause I know I just don’t belong!

Wal-Mart Can Wreck A Home

2005-05-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

I made a decision that will probably save my marriage or my husband’s life. I will never go into Wal-Mart with him again. I am a no nonsense shopper and only go to the store when I need something. I pride myself on breezing in and out. But Wally World will make your ass slow down. Not only is it crowded there is so much to look at and my husband can’t take it. He has to see EVERYTHING.

When we first got married, we spent every Sunday shopping there. We would arrive around noon only intending to get one thing and I swear to God we wouldn’t leave until six in the evening. Thank God they have a McDonald’s or I would have been arrested for stealing cookies off the shelf.

So after several painful months, I vowed never to walk through those doors with him again. My marriage means more to me and I just know if I have to go through those doors with him again, I will stick a fork in his neck.

So if you see a man with salt and pepper hair picking up items and smelling them or playing with the toys in the children’s department. Send him home, dinner’s ready.

It Just Ain't Right

2005-05-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

Technology has come so far and we as a people have excelled in the medical profession. So how come we haven’t devised a more humane way to check for breast cancer. Why must I sling my boob on a cold metal slab to be smashed flatter than a pancake! And someone please tell me what those medical professionals are thinking when they say, “don’t move.” Where the hell could I go with my boob caught in a vise while standing on my tippy toes?

Do you ever get that one technician that just can’t get the right picture? Why they got to slap my boob around as if it ain’t attached to my body? Could it be that they are enjoying their job way too much?

To make matters worse, they expect me to be pleasant and in some cases, carry on a conversation. “I’m sorry. I have nothing to say. Just give me my boob back so I can go home and blow it back up.”

Think ladies, there has to be a better way. I’ll leave you with this final thought. How come men don’t have their dick’s steam rolled? Hummm… Oh and one more thang, when are they going to event a bra that doesn’t feel like a hoist?